In light of the recent re-election of the B.O., I went back over my story that I wrote about a year ago. I was amazed at how relevant all of this story still is, and I thought it would be fun to run it as a complete story in one blog. So, here we go...
As the cortege approached, the crowd started to stir and there was a palpable excitement that was in the air. Everyone knew that the B.O. had confiscated the PopeMobile, and this was his inaugural appearance in it. He had appropriately chosen a European tour, beginning in Rome and then moving up into France and Germany. This was his moment, his coup d'etat, his putsch, as he was now both the head of the United Nations and the United States. He had quickly consolidated his powers and forces and he would now see the dreams from his father come true. The world stood still as he passed, waving to the amassed adoring crowds. They loved him, and he would make them proud as the new leader of the world. He knew what they wanted, and he would give it to them. He didn't need money because he had banished the use of money in the world as one of his first proclamations of power. The world was now a true Worker's Paradise, and he was their leader. He was invincible now, and he knew it. No one could, nor would, dare challenge him and his newly minted Global Community, as he had access to all manner of nuclear, military, and economic power throughout the world. "Welcome to my world," he mused out loud while passing his subjects!
As he continued to ponder his new-found power as the Emperor of the Global Community, the B.O. thought about how so many of his pathetic subjects would continue to cleave to their old, archaic ways. He knew that they would not easily go away, so he decided on a diabolical scheme to somehow collect his opponents email addresses. "Yes," he thought, "in celebration of this holiday season it will be sort of like my own 'naughty and nice' list. Using their emails I'll be able to hunt them down and 'convince' them that their ways should be my ways. Plus," he continued to ponder, "we have lots of land out in the various deserts around the world that we could relocate them in - if we had to go that far, which I suspect we will; after all, they are a pernicious group."
So he channeled his now dead mentor Saul Alinsky and asked him how best to go about wreaking the most havoc upon these foes. Saul replied, "Oh stinky B.O., you have made me proud, even though I am dead. You are right, the best way is to divide and conquer. Use the skills you have learned as a young community organizer. Feel the power within you. The Dark Side of the Force is more powerful than even you can imagine. You once were just Barry Soetoro, hapless little emigrant boy, but now you have become - The B.O. Use and abuse your power with impunity, and may the Force be with you!"
The B.O.'s channeling of Saul Alinsky had made him the veriest of happy. He had now received confirmation from one of his greatest heroes, ranking right up there with Mao, Lenin, Stalin, and Marx, that his actions were the right actions. He now knew that he had, indeed, ceased being Barry Soetoro The Hapless and now become The B.O. His next steps must be plotted carefully.
"I must face my destiny and my future head on. I cannot let the Rebellion win. I am superior in intellect, cunning, and strategy," he cogitated. "I know, I will build a new command post and have it circle the earth, and I shall call it the ObamaStar." So he set forth a decree, as was now his custom to do, that the ObamaStar shall be built with great dispatch and alacrity. It shall be big enough to be seen by his minions on earth, and it shall be as intimidating as possible. Oh yes, he was, indeed, the veriest of happy!
As the ObamaStar circled the earth, there were forces down below that were plotting against the new ruler. The B.O. had abraded their liberties too far, and it was time to stop him. They were tired of his incessant televised broadcasts from the ObamaStar showing him reading from his teleprompters to his amassed Imperial Guards, telling his subjects below how they should live out their pathetic lives, and how they could and could not do certain things, and how they risked life and limb if they dared to defy him. But defy him they would, and a new leader finally emerged from the six-pack of contenders to lead them in their rebellion!
The B.O.'s ObamaStar was not a mere ectype of the Death Star, although it certainly was inspired by the Death Star. The ObamaStar was larger than the Death Star by a magnitude of 2.5 and had all the laser weapons, hangars containing assault shuttles, blastboats, Strike cruisers, land vehicles, support ships, SEIU Storm Troopers, and SBO fighters needed to keep the Rebellion in check. As it circled the earth, the orbit was set to provide a total eclipse of the sun twice a day, thus sending an eerie reminder to all those down on earth who was really in charge and who was watching over them on a constant basis!
As the ObamaStar continued to circle the earth, it would alternately appear to be this otherworldly lucent star and then turn deathly dark, depending on how the sun was shining off of it or when it was blocking out the sun during its daily eclipses. There was despair among the people on earth as they continued to observe the ObamaStar. "After all," they thought, "how can we ever gain control back from the B.O.; he is all powerful now and we don't have the means to stop him any longer." But there were unknown and unseen forces at work...!
As the B.O. was enjoying reruns of his favorite speeches that he had given in the past, his rather odd looking and calvous Executive Officer came rushing into his quarters. "Your Eminence," Carville decried, "there is a, um, 'situation' that requires your immediate attention on the main deck." "Out with it, man, what's the problem that you can't just speak it outright? Why must you always talk like a Democrat? Oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, what's so urgent?" the B.O. rejoined. "Oh, your Highness, you must come and see for yourself. It is not good." And with that, the B.O. rushed out of his room and down to the main deck of the ObamaStar to see for himself just what in the name of the Almighty B.O. was happening!
Being thoroughly annoyed with having been drawn away from his quarters while watching T.V., the B.O. bounded into the main deck's control center and demanded to know what was so important that he had to be called away in such a curt manner.
"B.O., we're so glad you're here. You must save us, and save the ObamaStar," exclaimed his Chief Engineer in a most desperate manner.
"Alright, where's my teleprompter? I'll make a speech to the world about hope and change, maybe swaddle my left arm in bandages for some sympathy from the masses," the B.O. responded.
"No, you idiot. There's going to be some change, no doubt, but it won't be the kind you're thinking of," the Chief Engineer sarcastically retorted.
"How dare you speak to your Emperor that way!" the B.O. decried.
"Listen, B.O., the ship is starting to break up, it's disintegrating as we speak. It has become too large to sustain itself, and the constant gravitational pull from the moon, the earth, and the sun has become too much on the infrastructure of the ship and now it is starting to fall apart. We're doomed! Oh, the humanity!!" the Chief Engineer wailed.
"Well, you may be doomed, but I have to vote with my feet on that matter. I'm outta here!" And with that, the B.O. charged out of the control room and raced down to the escape shuttle, where he immediately secured himself in the Captain's chair, hit the eject button, and flew back to the safety of the earth. As the shuttle safely touched down on the White House lawn, he saw his precious and invincible ObamaStar sink precipitously below the horizon and he soon felt the shutter of the earth as his prized possession hit in the vast wasteland of Russia. "Well, that was unexpected, indeed," he thought. "Hmm, I wonder what I should do now?"
The B.O. was stunned at the sudden change of events. He had never envisioned the ObamaStar, HIS ObamaStar, crashing down to earth like so much space rubble. Yet, here he was standing on the south lawn of the White House wondering what to do next. Things were looking bleak - no teleprompters, no Chief of Staff to tell him what to do, no SEIU to protect him, and now here he was standing out in the open at the place that he had escaped from and feeling a bit adventive since he had rarely been there even from the beginning. He missed his vacations in Hawaii, France, Germany, Switzerland, Botswana, Iraq, Dubai, Venezuala, North Korea, China, Viet Nam, Iran, and especially his Fatherland.
"Oh well," he mused as he headed off toward the White House. "Say, I wonder where everyone is, anyway. There should be someone here to greet me." He walked over to the door by the dining room and it was locked; he then tried several other doors and they were all locked. Next he went to the front door and rang the door bell. To his amazement, someone opened it, but he didn't recognize him. In fact, he could sort of see through him. "Who are you?" the B.O. demanded!
"I asked you a question, old man. Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?" the B.O. demanded once again.
"Oh, stinky B.O., you have much to learn. This beautiful White House doesn't belong to you, it belongs to the people," the old man rejoined.
"Whatever. This is an old fusty mausoleum as far as I'm concerned, just like that old piece of crap known as the Constitution that all those crazy Tea Party people are so worked up over. Anyway, you still didn't answer my question," the B.O. sneered.
"Like I said, you have much to learn. Tonight you will be visited by the ghosts of Presidents Past, Present, and Future. From them you will learn what you must do to stay in power."
"You're crazy, old man. I am the Emperor of the World and no one comes before me! Whatever I decree, it shall happen. By the way, where is everybody?"
"Never mind that, B.O., just know that you will be visited tonight. Take heed, for your very existence depends on it." And with that last admonition, the old man disappeared into thin air!
"That was totally weird," the B.O. contemplated as he went into the White House. "As if I'M going to have 'A Christmas Carol' moment! I mean really!! But where is everybody, anyway? No one is here, all the lights are off, and the doors are all locked. I may be the Emperor of the World, but I am still the President of the United States, too."
The B.O. tried the phones and nothing was working. As it was now quite late, he decided to get some rest and sort it all out in the morning. He went upstairs to his bedroom and as he plopped himself down on his bed, an apparition appeared before him just as the clock was striking 1:00 a.m.
"Stinky B.O., I am the ghost of Presidents Past, and I am going to show you some things that you need to consider. You have ignored your country's history, and that has affected everyone's future. Come, let us go now."
The B.O. sat straight up and was in shock as he listened to the ghost of Presidents Past. "Who are you, really?" the B.O. demanded.
"Come, let us go now," the ghost said again, and all of a sudden they were standing before all of the Founding Fathers as they were all gathered around discussing the formation of the United States and getting ready to sign the Constitution. There they were, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and of course the great George Washington.
As they listened to and observed the proceedings, the ghost commented that there was little interpolation and nothing extraneous that was being added to the Constitution. Their concept of the Constitution was that it would be kept as simple as possible, thus keeping the federal government in check and not letting it get too big and powerful.
The B.O. scoffed at the very notion of keeping any government in check, and he commented as such to the ghost. "Oh, B.O., you still don't get it, do you? Perhaps the ghost of Presidents Present will help you to understand where you have gone wrong." And with that, the B.O. suddenly found himself back in his bedroom - alone!
By 2:00 a.m. the B.O. was quite worked up, not knowing what was going to happen next. He could scarcely believe that all of these bizarre occurrences had actually happened - first the ObamaStar falling out of the sky, then no one was home at the White House, and now ghosts! As the clock struck the second gong at 2:00, sure enough another ghost appeared.
"Hey, you look a lot like President Reagan."
The ghost ignored his comment, and then said "Oh stinky B.O., you need to lave yourself as you are truly living up to your initials! But enough of that, I need to show you a few things from the Presidents Present." And with that they were suddenly in the midst of a Chinese Central Committee meeting. The committee was presently discussing China's relationship with the United States.
"We need not fear them any longer, comrades. The B.O. has weakened them militarily so much that we can now fill the power vacuum left in the world. They have turned into a paper tiger. We must now build our own fleet of aircraft carriers that will soon rule the seven seas, just like the Americans used to do," scoffed Hu Jintao.
"Hey, they can't talk about us like that," the B.O. exclaimed.
"You need to see more, B.O." the ghost rejoined, and they now found themselves at a meeting between Putin and Medvedev.
"It looks like the game is back on, Dmitri. Those idiot Americans and their sniveling teleprompter president couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. Their leadership in the world is non-existent, and I see our fortunes and leadership of the world rising. What a joke that B.O. is! Ha ha ha," he laughed with great contempt.
"Alright, ghost boy, I've had enough of this nonsense. I'm better and smarter than any of those jokers. Get me back to the White House - now," the B.O. demanded.
"Oh stinky B.O., you still haven't learned your lesson. You are in deeper dog doo than I thought!" exclaimed the ghost. And again the B.O. suddenly found himself back in his bedroom - alone!
Now as the clock struck 3:00 a.m. the B.O. knew that on the last bell another ghost would present himself; and as much as he wanted to be disappointed at a no-show ghost, the ghost of Presidents Future suddenly appeared before him.
"All right, ghost, let's get this stupid nonsense over with," the B.O. sneered with great disdain.
"B.O., you are a real piece of work. Maybe by seeing what will happen if you continue on the current path you are on you will consider changing your ways," the ghost retorted.
"Give me a break, I am the greatest President there ever has been or will be. I passed all of that legislation in my first two years in office, more than any other President in history."
"Maybe so, but let's look at the future, now that you have had a glimpse at the anamnesis of the past." They instantly were transported to future New York City, where they witnessed closed store after closed store. Soup lines were everywhere, and fires burned in old corporate buildings that used to house many of the great financial institutions. Then they went to city after city and witnessed the same thing - fires, roaming gangs, soup lines, broken down vehicles of all sorts abandoned on the roadsides.
"Take me to Washington D.C., you idiot. I want to see what's going on there," the B.O. snapped. "It couldn't be all that bad."
"That's a bad idea, B.O." the ghost said, but the B.O. was not to be dissuaded.
So they instantly appeared in front of the White House; it was more beautiful than he had remembered it, with the lawns perfectly manicured, trees and bushes trimmed, a fresh coat of paint on the house itself. They went to all of the government centers in D.C. where there was much hustle and bustle, with big new limos dropping off the workers at their places of work. There was no sign of the despair that he witnessed at the other cities, and the B.O. smiled.
"You sneaky ghost, you didn't want me to see how it really is here, did you?" the B.O. gleefully asked the ghost.
"But, B.O., what you saw in the other cities is how it really is. What you have seen here is not reality for the rest of America. This is an abomination of what the government should be. The government here is living in a bubble, not reality. If you don't change the course of this government now, what you have seen tonight in the other cities in America will become reality. Take heed, B.O." And with that the B.O. was back in the White House, still alone. "Gees, I'm glad that character is gone," he said as he dozed off in bed.
"The next morning he woke up, totally refreshed and invigorated. He hadn't felt this good since he had won the Presidency in 2008. The B.O. bounced out of bed and rushed over to the window and threw open the blinds. There were actually people walking around outside again, and things appeared to be back to normal.
"What day is today?" he yelled out the window to the gardener.
"Why, it's New Years Day, Mr. President.
"Splendid!" he yelled back down to the gardener.
The B.O. immediately went to his office and got his Chief of Staff on the phone. "Daley, get that engineer that designed the ObamaStar down in the Oval Office ASAP, I need to get a new one built that can withstand the gravitational pulls imposed on it by the earth, moon, and sun. It's a great day in the neighborhood, and an even better day to be the Emperor of the World!" And with that, the B.O. went away whistling and headed down to the gym to get some basketball time in before breakfast!
